Title: Trading Slayer
Author: Gileswench
Date: 7/18/03

Rating: FRT (sorry, gg, I just couldn't get it to tweak higher)
Pairing: Buffy/Giles, X/Anya
Category: Parody/Crossover/Sillyfic
Distribution: If you've had my permission in the past, you have it now. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue. I further do not in any way, shape, or form own Trading Spaces, Paige Davis, Ty Pennington, Hildi anto-Tomas, Doug Wilson, Vern Yip, Frank Beilic, or anyone or thing else connected to that show. I do not believe in my heart of hearts that any member of the Trading Spaces cast is a demon of any sort. All characterizations are meant as parodies and not as true and accurate portrayals. Oh, and I don't own Sharpie pens, or any other brand name mentioned herein, either. Like I said, I don't own anything you want.

Notes: This comes to you courtesy of a challenge set by gg the slayer for a Buffy/Trading Spaces crossover with a twist of B/G loving. Thanks for the silly inspiration!

WARNING: Character death...albeit offstage and of a nature not to induce tears of grief.

Dedication: To gg the slayer, for the inspiration. To MamaDword for the beta and her constant support. And to all of you out there as hopelessly addicted to these kamikaze decorating shows as I am.

Camera pans along a quiet, tree-lined street. Paige, wearing an unflattering hoochie mama shirt and low-cut jeans, grins widely at the audience.

Paige: Hi! I'm Paige Davis. Welcome to another episode of Trading Spaces, the show where two sets of neighbors switch houses to redecorate one room in each other's homes. Today we're in Sunnydale, California, a small town with big aspirations. Despite its low population, Sunnydale is the cemetery capital of the West Coast with twelve places to be buried within the city's very small limits. Let's just hope our designers don't bury our teams in details, because they've got just two days and a thousand dollars to bring their designs to life.

Scene cuts to shot of Buffy, Giles, Xander and Anya playing a carefully staged game of touch football. Giles looks less than enthusiastic. Anya keeps mugging for the camera. Only Buffy and Xander seem to be interested in the game. Everyone looks aghast when Buffy accidentally deflates the ball with an extra-hard pass.

Paige: Buffy Summers wants to kill the boring design in her bedroom. She's enlisted the help of longtime friend Rupert Giles to bring her dreams to life. Xander Harris and his girlfriend Anya Jenkins want to resurrect their living room so they can hold the lively parties they both love. To help them find new life in old rooms, we've brought along designers Hildi Santo-Tomas and Doug Wilson...

Scene cuts again to a cemetery. Hildi and Doug stand beside an open grave pretending to cry. Ty pops out of the grave wearing fake vampire teeth. Hildi and Doug pretend to be scared. Nobody is convinced.

Paige: ...along with the carpentry skills of Ty Pennington. You can be sure he'll be the life of the party.

Cut to Buffy and Giles sitting side by side on her bed.

Buffy: We both like a lot of sagey greens, off-whites, browns, and restful colors. I don't spend a lot of time in this room, but when I'm here, I just want to forget everything and pretend I don't have the world depending on me.

Giles: Buffy needs a place where she can find some peace. I'd like to see it look cheerful when it's done. (He smiles softly at her, she blushes slightly and turns back to the camera)

Buffy: I think Xander understands what I want, pretty well, though I'm a little nervous about Anya. I think they'll give me a nice room. I hope. The only thing that's off limits is my chest...I mean trunk. Nobody touches that. Beyond that, I don't care too much what they do as long as it looks nice, and maybe a little romantic.

Cut to Anya and Xander in his living room.

Paige: Xander and Buffy have been friends since high school, and Anya works for Rupert in his New Age store.

Xander: I dunno, I guess Anya's kinda bored with the look in here. Interior design doesn't mean that much to me, but she does.

Anya: It's horrible in here. There are tools and old roadsigns on the walls. And his laundry sits in a pile for weeks until he has no more clean underwear...

Xander: (cutting her off) An, they're not doing the bedroom. They're doing this room. Just don't do anything that will break my lease and get me evicted. Please. I trust Buffy and Giles, but from what Anya's told me, I'm not so sure about this Hilda person.

Cut to Buffy and Giles entering Xander's apartment. Hildi stands on the sofa in her high-heeled mules.

Hildi: Hi! Come on in! What do you think of this place? Is it bad or what?

Buffy shrugs uncomfortably. Giles studies his shoes.

Buffy: Well...it's not *that* bad.

Hildi: It's terrible! Too bright and airy, too early Salvation Army, and not enough sophistication. Not enough me.

She strikes a pose on the couch. Buffy and Giles look unimpressed. Hildi jumps down.

Hildi: So, what would you like to see in this room?

Giles: Well, Xander and Anya both like bright colors.

Hildi: So you want to see color, right?

Buffy: Yeah. Color is good.

Hildi kneels on floor next to a can of paint.

Hildi: Great, because I've got some really strong color for you.

Opens can. Buffy flinches. Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them vigorously.

Buffy: Black?

Cut to Buffy's bedroom. Doug is discovered rooting through Buffy's underwear drawer. He holds up a bright pink thong and pretends to use it as a slingshot. Xander and Anya enter. Xander gapes. Anya covers his eyes so he can't see Buffy's underwear.

Doug: Hey, you made it. So what do you think of these? (dangles panties in front of his team) I'm guessing this Buffy is a pretty wild person. Do you know if she has any edible stuff in that drawer?

Anya: Do you have permission to look in Buffy's underwear drawer? I didn't think you were allowed to do that.

Doug: I'm a professional designer; I can do anything I want. (puts panties in pants pocket) So, this room. What do you guys want to see in here?

Xander: Well, it's Buffy's bedroom, so I'd like to see something...y'know...sorta calm but happy. Someplace she can just chill out and think some happy thoughts. Maybe have a friend or two around.

Doug: A friend or *two*? Wow! She's an animal.

Anya: Actually, she's very repressed.

Doug: Well, I've got the perfect look for this room. We're gonna bring in some color and some pattern, do new window treatments, completely change the bed, and the first thing to go is this stripey wallpaper. It's dull, it's bland, and it's outta here. Let me show you what's coming in its place. (Grabs paint can, opens it. Pours some into paint tray.)

Xander: Um...I'm not so sure about that, Doug.

Anya: You can't use that color. Buffy will hate it. She would never choose that color.

Doug: (tossing paint can lid across room and stomping) Well what's the point of having me here if you're just going to do what she wants? What about what you want?

Xander: I wear a vest that color at work. I don't want to paint a room that shade of orange.

Cut to Paigecam. Buffy is painting Xander's walls black and looking very unhappy.

Paige: (VO) I heard you were not happy about this color. Is that right?

Buffy: We're way beyond unhappy, Paige. Xand's gonna kill us.

Paige: Do you think you'll like it better when you see the rest of the plan for the room?

Giles: (off-camera) No.

Buffy: Well, we haven't seen the rest of the plan, but if it starts with black paint, I don't think Xander's gonna like it.

Cut to Hildi conferring with Ty. She sits on his workbench dangerously close to the chop saw he's still using.

Hildi: Turn that stupid thing off and listen to what I need for my room.

Ty: (not stopping) What? I can't hear you over my saw! You're gonna have to talk a little louder!

Hildi pretends to laugh, unplugs saw roguishly.

Hildi: So, here's what I need...

Ty: (pretending to be confused at the saw not working...or is he really pretending?) Uh-oh! No saw. (Mugs shamelessly at camera as he searches for the reason the saw no longer works) Well, I guess that means I can't do your projects. Sorry, Hildi.

Hildi: I could go hire a beaver, I guess.

Ty: (mugging, pretending to have beaver teeth) Let me at your beaver. No, really, I think I can take him. He's only a woodland creature.

Hildi: Anyway, I need a coffee table, but it's a special shape. (shows Ty sketch) See, it's in the shape of vampire fangs, 'cause I saw the movie last week. Y'know, with Frank Langella, and I thought his teeth would make a real sexy table.

Ty: So you're going for a sexy vampire theme?

Hildi: Yeah! Isn't it great? He's gonna love it.

Ty: What if he doesn't?

Hildi: (doing bad Bela Lugosi impression) Then I'll suck his blood.

Cut to Doug and his team.

Doug: Okay, gather around, people. I'm gonna show you the next step.

Xander and Anya sit on the floor and look warily at Doug.

Anya: It isn't more orange, is it?

Doug: No, it's not more orange! Would I do that?

Anya: Yes, I believe you would.

Doug: Have you been talking to Paige? She's got me all wrong. (laughs at his own 'joke'; nobody laughs with him) Anyway, I'm gonna show you the fabrics, and you'll see there's a method to my madness. (unfurls cloth) Okay, here's the new blinds....

Xander: Purple? With safety orange? Isn't that a little...loud?

Doug: What do you mean?

Xander: Well, this is Buffy's bedroom. She sleeps in here. These colors aren't very restful.

Anya: They'll give her nightmares, and she already gets enough of those.

Doug: They won't give her nightmares. Orange and purple is fun. Trust me, she'll love it.

Xander: You don't know Buffy.

Doug: I know she'll love my room. You have to see everything together before you'll love it.

Anya: Can we see the whole plan so we can start loving it?

Doug: No.

Cut to Sewing World. Hildi sits Buffy down in front of a sewing machine.

Hildi: Have you ever sewn curtains before?

Buffy: No. I've never threaded a needle before.

Hildi: It'll be a piece of cake. Trust me. (Plops many yards of blood red fabric in Buffy's lap) Isn't that fabulous?

Buffy: Black and red. You know, I'm not sure about this for Xander. He's not so big on these colors.

Hildi: He'll love them before I'm done. It's a classic combination. Now, just sew these into floor-length drapes, and you'll see. It'll be the best room your friend has ever lived in. Vampires are sexy.

Buffy: Vampires? We're doing a vampire room? But Xander hates vampires.

Hildi: Nobody hates vampires. Anne Rice made a fortune off people not hating vampires. Your friend just doesn't understand that he loves vampires yet.

Buffy: Xander ki...doesn't read Anne Rice.

Hildi: I'll lend him my copy, then. Get sewing!

Cut to Carpentry World. Ty is pretending to eat a large sheet of MDF. Xander enters frame.

Xander: Doug sent me out here to help you with some project he won't tell me about. What am I supposed to do?

Ty: Oh, hi, I was just eating my lunch! Want some? (offers Xander MDF. Xander takes it, but doesn't bite)

Xander: No thanks, I just ate. Maybe later. I could use some more fiber in my diet.(pulls out safety goggles) What are we making?

Ty: Well, Doug wants me to build him a big ol' banquette seating thingie.

Xander: Where's that gonna go? I don't think there's room with the bed and everything.

Ty: I don't design the rooms, I just build stuff. Maybe he thinks she'll sleep on the banquette.

Xander shakes his head skeptically.

Cut to Giles finishing the painting in Xander's living room. His expression is grim. Hildi flounces in.

Giles: Are we going to paint the ceiling?

Hildi: Of course not. I have a much better idea for it, which I'll tell you about later. Right now I want to show you our art project.

She spreads out a series of black and white photographs on the floor. Giles peers at them curiously.

Hildi: I had these pictures taken of parts of my body, and we're gonna do a little touch-up, and frame them, then put them in a really neat arrangement on the wall over there. (points to location. Giles looks concerned.)

Giles: These are parts of...of your body?

Hildi: Yeah. Aren't they great?

Giles: What parts, precisely?

Hildi: (ignoring him) Now what we're going to do is take this red Sharpie(producing felt-tipped pen) and draw little bitemarks on all the parts of my body.

Giles: Excuse me, did you say 'bite marks'?

Hildi: Yeah. Bite marks. 'Cause they're so sexy.

Giles looks appalled.

Cut to Doug. Anya comes in bearing bright purple Roman blinds. Sees Doug standing in the paint tray in his bare feet.

Anya: What are you doing? That's very unhygenic.

Doug: I always like to leave a little something of myself in the room.

Anya: Please tell me it isn't athlete's foot.

Doug: What is wrong with you? Why do you keep fighting everything I try to do?

Anya: Because it's ugly and Buffy will hate it.

Doug: (Handing Anya a gallon of purple paint) Look, just pour that in the tray and I'll show you what we're doing with it.

Anya: Are you getting out of the tray?

Doug: No. That's the point. I'm leaving my literal footprints in this room.

Anya takes the paint and dumps it over Doug's head.

Cut to Buffy and Giles alone in Xander's living room.

Buffy: (nearly in tears) It's a disaster. Xand will think we did this on purpose.

Giles: He'll have to know this wasn't your idea. Now don't upset yourself, Buffy. (Draws her into his arms) It's okay.

Hildi and Paige enter the room.

Hildi: Hey! Break it up, you lovebirds!

Buffy jumps back and wipes her eyes surreptitiously. Giles glares at Hildi.

Paige: (looking around room) Oh my gosh! This looks so great.

Buffy: It looks like death! I'm giving one of my best friends a room that...that ought to be embalmed! One of the reasons he chose this place was the great view, and now the curtains completely cover it up, and you glued them to the window so he can't even open them.

Paige: So you don't think he'll learn to like it? I'm sure once he gets used to it....

Giles: Gets used to it? How does one get used to living in a cave?

Hildi: It's a whole design concept. Trust me, in a couple years, everybody will have living rooms like this. Now, what I want you to do for homework tonight, hang the photographs, touch up any spots on the walls that need it, put on the slipcover on the sofa (hauls out blood red slipcover, hands it to Giles), and Ty's bringing in the coffee table so you can sand, prime, and paint it. I left a chart for the colors for that with him, so just follow it and it'll be fantastic. Then you can put this up (hands Buffy ceiling fan).

Giles: And that's all you expect of us, is it?

Hildi: Well, I was gonna give you a couple more things, but I have to leave something for tomorrow.

Buffy: I don't want to do any of this. How much clearer can I make this? Xander. Is. Going. To. Hate. This. Room.

Hildi: But you love it.

Buffy: No, I don't. I hate it. Giles hates it. You're the only one who likes it.

Paige: I'm sure you'll like it better when it's all in place.

Hildi: Well, I love it. So, get your homework done before you go to bed.

Hildi and Paige leave. Buffy's chin wobbles. Giles drops slipcover, takes ceiling fan from Buffy, places it out of harm's way, and hugs her.

Giles: (glaring at camera) We'd like some privacy, please. Shut that damn thing off.

Cut to Xander and Anya in Buffy's bedroom.

Xander: You did what?

Anya: I dumped a can of paint on his head.

Xander: An...I don't think that's allowed. We agreed to do this show, and we agreed to play by the rules. I'm sure there's a rule about not painting the designer.

Anya: It was a stupid, unattractive and possibly unhealthy idea. Besides, he's very arrogant. And mean.

Xander: But...but being on this show was your idea, remember? You must have known we could get this guy.

Anya: I thought we'd get one of the nice ones, like Vern or Frank. Doug reminds me of many of the men I punished back when I was a...(notices camera is still running)...drill sergeant. In the army.

Paige enters bearing an armload of items for the room.

Paige: Well, Doug...had an emergency, and he had to leave, but he left instructions for your homework. (juggles items) Okay, you're supposed to paint purple footprints on the walls, prime and paint the banquette orange, paint the ceiling purple, and put up the blinds. Oh, and if you have time, he wants you to put this up. (hands Xander green glass globe-shaped lighting fixture)

Xander: Green. Finally, a color Buffy likes.

Day 1/Day 2 graphic.