Title: Humanitis
Author: Saber ShadowKitten

(notes in part one)

"Hello, Buffy," Wesley said as the four entered the library. "Now, what's the big emergency?"

Buffy ignored him. "Giles!"

Giles came out of the office where he had sequestered himself to avoid throttling the Watcher. He stopped suddenly when he saw the peroxide blond standing uncomfortably next to the Slayer. "I take it he is the, er...situation."

"Roots and all," Buffy answered, coming fully into the room. She threw herself into a chair and started fiddling with a stake.

"Thanks bunches, Slayer," Spike said. "You really know how to sweet talk a guy."

"Is there no one who knows you are not the Slayer?" Wesley asked Buffy.

"Um...I don't think Larry knows," Buffy said. "But I could be wrong."

"It is important that the identity of the Slayer be kept secret to-to-to protect her and-and her Watcher," Wesley said.

"Um, can we get on with my problem sometime tonight?" Spike interrupted.

"I am sorry, but I am trying to have a word with my Slayer, if you don't mind," Wesley said.

Spike frowned. "I thought you were her Watcher," he said to Giles.

"Things...change," Giles replied.

"Tell me about it," Spike said. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it, then started coughing when he inhaled. Buffy snickered.

"Smoking's bad for humans anyway," Willow pointed out as he crushed out the cigarette. "Makes your lungs all black and icky, gives you emphysema. And cancer. It can kill you. But you're already dead. Oh wait, you're not."

"Plus, the chicks don't dig it," Oz added.

"I think I may be missing something here," Giles said.

"Spike here's got a case of humanitis," Buffy said.

"I beg your pardon?" Giles said, removing his glasses.

"He's human," Willow told him. "Oz had to show him how to go to the bathroom and everything."

Spike groaned and dropped his head in his hands. "I think that headache is coming back."

"My word," Giles replied. "Are you certain?"

"No, I go to the Slayer's house every day for a little slap and tickle," Spike said sarcastically.

"What?!" Wesley asked, looking back and forth between Spike and Buffy.

"Oh yeah, mate, she's a great shag," Spike said, giving Wesley a wink. "All that strength and fire. Makes me feel all tingly."

"Spike," Buffy warned.

"And she's quite the little screamer," he continued. "I bet you'd fancy a little roll with her. But you don't look man enough to handle a Slayer. I've done two ya know."

Spike suddenly found himself clutching his stomach on the floor, a pissed off blond standing above him. "Did that hurt?" Buffy asked sweetly. "If not, I can do it again."

"Buffy, would you please explain," Wesley requested. He looked over at Willow and Oz who were both snickering at the peroxide blond's predicament.

"Buffy, if Spike is-is indeed...er, human," Giles said. "Your normal methods of dealing with him should not be-be utilized."

"But it's so much fun," Buffy said with a pout. She crouched down next to Spike. "I thought you liked it when I was violent, baby."

"Ha ha," Spike said, pushing himself to a sitting position.

Buffy shook her head, stood and held out her hand. He just stared at it. "I don't bite...hard." Spike accepted her hand and was pulled to his feet.

"Buffy, I reiterate, would you please explain what is going on?" Wesley asked.

"Spike, this is Wesley, my new Watcher," Buffy said. "Wesley, this is Spike. You've probably read about him. If not, check in the index under ‘Bloody, William the."

Wesley's eyes widened at her reference as Spike looked at Buffy for more explanation. "How did this wanker get to be your Watcher?"

"Not by my choice," Buffy replied as Wesley started to flip through old Watcher's Diaries and Giles began handing out books for researching. "I got put through this stupid test thingy, but Giles was the one who failed and he got fired. Hence, I got Bravely Brave Sir Wesley."

"Do I detect a bit of sarcasm, pet?" Spike asked, taking a book from Giles.

"He's not...that...bad," she dragged out. "Well, he's no Giles. He wouldn't have lasted thirty seconds with Angel..us."

"How is my bastard sire?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Buffy told him. "Seeing as how he just walked up behind you."

Spike whirled around and came face to face with Angel. "Bloody hell! I didn't even hear you."

"Why are you here at all?" Angel asked in a low voice.

"That's it, I quit," Spike said, turning back to Buffy. "Whatever it is you've cast on me, uncast it or get rid of it or whatever you do with it. Just make it go away." He then tucked the book under his arm and stormed out of the library.

"I think he needs to switch to decaf," Willow commented from her seat on the stairs next to Oz.

"He has a reason to freak," Oz said. "I know I did when I found I was a werewolf."

"You freaked? I didn't know you freaked," she replied.

"I've been told my freaking isn't too different than my not freaking," he told her.

"I take it I missed something," Angel said.

"According to-to Spike, he has somehow become human," Giles informed him, taking another book off the pile and handing it to the vampire.

"I'd better go find him before he manages to get hurt and god I cannot believe I just said that like I was worried about Spike," Buffy said. She shook her head and left.