Title: Humanitis
Author: Saber ShadowKitten

Pairing: B/S
Rating: FRAO
Spoilers: story set post-Consequences
Note: Lyrics used from: Harry Connick, Jr; Eric Clapton; Nine Inch Nails; Bad Company; AC/DC; Chumbawumba; Keith; George Michael and the poem is by Yeats.

Spike turned onto his side and froze. Slowly, he reached beneath the covers and put his hand on the sheets. They were extremely wet. Frowning, he tried to remember if he had an erotic dream about Buffy again or not as he brought his hand near his nose and sniffed. It smelled like ammonia.

The wetness he was laying in was starting to make him uncomfortable, so he threw back the covers and stood. Stalking to the bathroom to take a shower, he flicked on the light, then bent to open the cabinet to retrieve a towel. As he straightened, he saw someone standing behind him in the mirror.

With a yelp, he spun, lashing out with his fist to connect with the person's face. But his fist connected with air. "Whoever the hell is in here better show yourself!" Spike yelled, grabbing the door and pulling it away from the wall to surprise the person behind it. No one. He yanked back the shower curtain. No one.

He growled...or at least tried to. It came out sounding more like a child saying 'grr.' He bent and picked up the towel he had dropped, and when he straightened he saw the person in the mirror again. This time, he only turned his head. He saw no one.

Looking back at the mirror, he noticed that the person had a towel in his hand. The same blue one he held in his own. Spike's eyes widened as he slowly raised his hand up and saw the person in the mirror do the same thing. "Holy shit," he swore softly as he extended his hand to the mirror. When he touched it, the mirror image hand was against his own.

Spike was seeing his reflection.

He dropped the towel again, using his other hand to touch his cheek and watch as his reflection did the same. A grin formed on his face and he started to study his reflection with a critical eye. "So this is what you look like," he said to the mirror image. "The last time I saw you, you had brown hair."

He let his eyes travel down his body, standing on his toes to see as much as he could. "Not bad, mate," he told his reflection. "You kept your girlish figure quite nicely." He grinned, then leaned closer to the mirror. "I forgot I had blue eyes," he said. Those blue eyes widened when the mirror by his mouth fogged up, then disappeared.

He froze again, watching as the surface fogged over and over in a pattern by his mouth. He brought his hand up and put it over his mouth, then felt something startling. Hot air coming out of his nose, warming the side of his finger. "Bugger, I'm breathing," he said in amazement as he stepped back and looked at his chest. Sure enough, it expanded and contracted in syncopation with the warm air against his hand.

Spike quickly slapped his hand to the side of his neck, his fingers searching for the cardioid artery, the source from which vampires drank blood on humans. It was pulsing steadily. "No," he said, this time in horror. He turned, forgetting about the shower and raced out of the bathroom. He threw on his clothes in record time, grabbed his duster and car keys, then ran out of the bedroom.

Two hours later, he hit the Welcome to Sunnydale sign.

With a gnawing feeling around his middle which he couldn't understand, he pulled up to the curb and shut off the car. He got out, stalked to the kitchen door and pounded on it. He saw Joyce look up from where she was sitting, startled by the loud noise, then frowned when she saw him.

"Spike," Joyce said as she opened the door, being careful to stay out of reach. Willow and Buffy had performed the invitation-revoking spell that would keep the blond vampire out. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to see the bloody Slayer," Spike answered. "I know she's the one who did this."

"Did what?" Joyce asked.

"Ouch!" Spike said in response, pushing the heels of his hands against his forehead when he felt an excruciating, sharp pain suddenly form.

Joyce felt her maternal instinct swell. "What's wrong?"

"It hurts," he replied. "My bleedin' head is hurting. It feels as though someone shoved a spike in my brain."

"You have a headache?" Joyce said with amazement. "I thought vampires didn't get headaches."

"That's just it," Spike said. "I think the Slayer turned me into a bloody human!"

She gave him a look of amazement. "Why do you think that?"

"Because I'm breathing, have a pulse and saw myself in a mirror," he answered, rubbing his hand across his forehead. "Also, all sorts of strange things are happening that I don't remember feeling. And can you make this bloody pain stop!"

Joyce let go of the door and went over to the cabinet for the aspirin. She turned when she heard the door shut, then dropped the bottle when she saw Spike standing in the kitchen.

"What?" Spike snapped when he saw her face.

"I think you're right," Joyce answered. "If you were a vampire, you wouldn't have been able to come in."

"I've been here before," he pointed out.

"But Buffy and Willow cast a spell so you couldn't come back in unless invited," she said.

Spike's shoulders slumped, defeated. "Great. Just bloody fucking wonderful. I'm human."

"Spike, don't swear," Joyce scolded, retrieving the pill bottle and getting out two aspirin.

"Yes, mum," he said with an exaggerated sigh, then chuckled as she shook her head at him.

"Do you know how to take these?" she asked, filling a glass of water from the tap.

"No," Spike replied, accepting the two little pills and the glass from her.

"Whatever you do, don't chew them," Joyce instructed. "Just put them in your mouth and drink the water. They should be washed down with it."

He nodded, popped the pills in his mouth and began to drink. A disgusting taste was filling his mouth and he spit whatever was making it back into the glass. He made a face, then licked the back of his hand to try and get rid of the taste. "That was bloody awful," he said.

Joyce looked at the glass in his hand and saw two slowly dissolving pills in it. "I guess we have to do this the old fashioned way," she said, taking the glass from him.

"Do what?" Spike asked.

"You didn't get the pills down," she replied, dumping the glass in the sink. "Your headache won't go away unless you do." She took out two more aspirin and a spoon, then went to the refrigerator.

"How am I suppose to get them down if they taste that bad?" Spike said.

"Like this," Joyce said, crushing the aspirin, then mixing it into a spoonful of grape jelly. She walked back over to him. "Open wide."

Spike rolled his eyes, then took the spoon from her and swallowed the jelly. It was grainy, but it went down. "Thanks," he said, handing back the spoon.

"You're welcome," Joyce replied. She looked down at his stomach when she heard a loud growl. "I think someone is hungry."

"Is that what that means?" Spike said. "It's been doing that for the past half hour."

"Do you feel a sort of emptiness or gnawing in your stomach?"

"Oh," he said, his face reflecting the realization of what was happening to him. "Yeah. So this means that I eat, right? But what?"

"I'll fix you something, don't worry," Joyce told him. "Why don't you take a seat and I'll page Buffy."

Spike rubbed his forehead again as he sank down onto the stool. "Thanks."

Twenty minutes later, his headache was gone, his stomach was full and he was really enjoying the cup of hot cocoa Joyce had made for him. "You know, this tastes even better than the last time you made me some," he told the Slayer's mother.

"Maybe your tastebuds have changed, too," Joyce said. She heard the front door open. "Buffy's here."

"Hey, mom. What's the big surpri-" Buffy stopped suddenly as she came into the kitchen. "Spike!" She practically leapt across the room and had him pinned to the counter, just as she did the last time she found him in her kitchen, stake pressed to his chest.

"Buffy!" Joyce shouted at the same time Spike yelled, "Slayer!"

Joyce grabbed her daughter's arm. "Buffy, no. He's not a vampire."

"What?" Buffy looked over at her mom, not changing her position. "Of course he is, mom. And I can't believe you invited him back in."

"But I didn't," Joyce said. "He walked in on his own."

"Slayer, for bloody sake, let me up!" Spike snapped as he felt a sharp pain in his back. "This hurts!"

"Good," Buffy snapped back.

"Buffy Summers, let him up this instant!" Joyce yelled at her daughter. Surprised at her mom's tone, Buffy did as told but kept her eye on Spike, the stake ready.

Spike winced as he stood upright, rubbing his back. "Bloody hell, Slayer. I never knew how strong you really were."

"What are you talking about, Spike?" Buffy asked, her patience thin.

"I've turned into a bleedin' human, that's what," Spike told her. "And I know it has to be your fault."

Buffy snorted. "That's a good one. A vampire turning into a human. Pull the other one, why don't you."

He grabbed her hand and smacked it against his chest. "Does a vampire do this?" Spike asked.

Buffy's eyes widened when she felt the rise and fall of his chest and his heart beating. She moved her hand up to his neck, just as he did earlier, and felt the strong pulse of his artery, the warmth of his skin. "Oh my god, you're human."

"Really?" Spike said sarcastically. "I hadn't noticed."

"I have to call Giles," she said, removing her hand. Then she put it back on his chest. "This is really wiggy."

Spike looked down at her hand and smiled. It felt so nice to have her touch him, especially since they weren't fighting. "That it is, pet."

"I have some work to do, so I'll leave you two alone," Joyce said. "Spike, you can stay here tonight, if you'd like."

"Thank you, Joyce," Spike replied. "And thanks for that delicious supper."

Joyce smiled at him, said goodnight and went upstairs. Buffy rolled her eyes at Spike, then turned and grabbed the phone, dialing Giles' home number. Once done, she leaned against the wall and stared at him. He started shifting on his feet. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Spike replied, grabbing his crotch. Buffy arched a brow when he did that. "There's some sort of pressure and almost like a burning."

"I think you have to go to the...Giles? We have a situation that's beyond strange. You need to grab Wesley, because we're going to need the books for this one," she said into the phone. "I'll be at the library in about twenty minutes or so...No, you'll have to see it to believe it. Bye."

Hanging up, Buffy looked at the uncomfortable Spike. "As I was saying, I think you have to go to the bathroom."

"What?" Spike asked.

"Take a leak? Use the john? Drain your lizard?"

Spike felt his face heat up. "How do I do that?"

"Spike, you're blushing!" Buffy blurted in surprise. He glared at her and she giggled. "Don't you remember?

"No, now will you tell me how to do that."

"Um, I don't know, I'm not a guy."

"Well, get a guy over here then!" Spike snapped.

"Ok, ok, take a pill," she said. "Now, who should I call? Xander?"

"No, not that whelp," he told her. "Anyone but that bloody wanker."

"Well, I only know five males - Giles, Wesley, Xander, Oz and Angel. And I don't think Angel can help you with this problem, Giles is off finding the weenie. I guess that leaves Oz," she said, picking up the phone again. "Luckily, he's over at Willow's, so he can get here in a short time...Wills? Hey, can you and Oz come over here, like now? It's an emergency...You'll see when you get here. Ok, bye."

Spike gave her a pained look. "Now what?"

"You hold it," Buffy answered. "Cross your legs or something."

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang and Buffy hurried to answer it. "Good, you're here," she said, grabbing Oz's arm and pulling him into the house. "You need to show Spike how to go to the bathroom."

"Spike?" Willow asked, confused. "Our Spike?"

"That's the one," Buffy replied, practically dragging the werewolf to the kitchen where Spike was sitting on the stool, hunched over uncomfortably. "Spike, this is Oz."

"Hey, man," Oz said. "Come on, I'll show you what you need to do."

Willow and Buffy watched as the two males left the kitchen, then Buffy started to giggle. "Doesn't anything phase your boyfriend?"

"Not really," Willow answered. "Now, tell me why Spike needs to go to the bathroom before I start to wig."

"He's human," Buffy replied.

Willow's eyes widened. "As in living and breathing and heart beating and eating people food instead of eating people human?"

"Kinda freaky, huh?"

"On a scale of one to ten, I'd say a hundred," Willow replied. "We have to see Giles."

"Already called him," Buffy said. "He and the dork are meeting us at the library as soon as Spike's done peeing."

Willow giggled. "That sounds so silly. Spike peeing."

"Doesn't it?" Buffy said. The two men returned to the kitchen, Spike looking very relieved causing the girls to start giggling again.

"Oh, shut up," Spike said to Buffy.

"Sorry," she apologized. "It's just so...Hellmouthy."

"Can we go see your Watcher now and make this stop?" Spike whined.

"We're going," Buffy said. "Just let me go tell my mom."

Willow stared at Spike curiously as Buffy left the room. "Can I...?"

"Why the bloody hell not," Spike sighed. "Go ahead, ducks."

The red head reached her hand out and laid it carefully on his chest as Buffy did earlier. "Wow," she said when she felt his heart beat and breathing. "Does it feel weird?"

"Your hand or my heart beat?" Spike teased. Oz chuckled. "Not as strange as being hungry or having to use the pisser."

Willow blushed. "Um...all of the above."

"Just wait until you get to experience the joys of taking a...doing number two," Oz stopped his crude language after seeing Willow's face become even more red. "I recommend bringing plenty of reading material."

Spike rubbed a hand over his face. "This is too bloody much."

"Are we all set?" Buffy asked, coming back into the kitchen.

"I think I need to kill something," Spike muttered as the four headed out towards Oz's van.

"Try it and you'll find yourself on the receiving end of my sta-...crap," Buffy said. "You're human. I can't do that to you."

"Faith can," Willow said snidely under her breath. Oz gave her a look and she smiled sweetly.

"But I can beat you up," Buffy concluded brightly.

"I'd like to see you try," Spike said.

Buffy grabbed him by the neck and lifted him off the ground easily, slamming him against the side of the van. He struggled against her, trying to break her grip, but found he couldn't. He kicked out at her, but it barely hurt. "What's wrong, Spike?"

"Can't," he gasped. "Breathe."

Buffy let him go and he started taking in big gulps of air as Willow and Oz climbed in the van. "Now you know how it feels to be a victim," she said in a low voice, then climbed in after opening the side door.

"Bloody fucking hell," Spike swore, rubbing his throat. He climbed in behind her and shut the door. The trip to the high school was made in silence.