Watchers Retreat: Part 11

Xander watched in disbelief as Giles left Buffy on her knees, crying. He placed his palm on the window. "Is it just me, or did that seem to go really, really badly?"

Celiane was totally bewildered. "It's not just you."

Wendell watched Giles leave. "What did she say to make him leave?" He couldn't imagine Giles ever leaving her.

Willow frowned. "What did he say to make her cry?" She couldn't imagine Giles ever saying anything to Buffy to make her cry like that. Buffy hadn't even cried like that when Giles had left.

Maddy pulled away from the window. "Maybe I should go find Rupert."

Celiane shook her head. "No, I think if he wants company he'll come and find it." Until she had a better idea of what was going on, Celiane didn't want Maddy anywhere near Rupert, especially now when he was so clearly upset about something. "Besides, he has his guards with him. He'll be fine."

Willow looked down again. "Well, I'm going to go talk to Buffy."

Xander nodded. "Me too."

Dawn followed them. "Me too."

The three of them headed down to the courtyard.

***

Giles cursed the fact that it was still light out. He wanted to go and kill some vampires. He wanted to pretend they were Spike. Giles knew he could have a Special Ops team find Spike and kill him. He could give the order to have Spike found and brought to him to kill. He chose not to do it, at least not right now. He could give that order anytime he wanted to, and at some point, he would. But, right now, he had Buffy on his mind.

He just started walking. He knew his guards were following him but Giles ignored them. For the first mile Giles actually tried not to think. He just walked fast, trying to blow off some steam. Then he began to sort through his feelings. He didn't really blame Buffy for what happened. Giles knew that Spike had played her. And he supposed he could understand why she warned Spike off. But it still felt like a betrayal. It still felt as if, once again, his feelings, as her Watcher, as her friend, came second to the needs of a vampire.

He had already forgiven her for so much. Not that he hadn't done some stupid things. Foremost among them, his leaving her a year ago. But now he was back, and it felt as if it was all happening again. What would Buffy do if Spike were still in Sunnydale? Would she try and stop Giles from killing him? Would she forever put him second, after her friends, after her boyfriends, after a demon?

Giles stopped walking. One of his guards almost ran into him but veered off at the last second. He was Buffy's Watcher. She wasn't required to put him first; he had never asked her to put him first. As her Watcher, he was supposed to put her first. He started walking again, thinking furiously. This was the crux of the matter. Giles could be that Watcher again. He supposed he could start putting up walls again, try to keep things professional, supporting her, but trying to keep a bit of distance so he wouldn't be any more vulnerable than necessary.

But that wasn't what he wanted. And he understood that was why he had walked away and left her in the courtyard garden. Because if he'd stayed right then, the man who stayed would have been her Watcher, and only her Watcher.

A few short days ago he had, in the space of a few moments, seen his death, and then, instead, had seen her. She had dropped everything to come and save him, having no idea where he was, having no idea what she'd find. And, by some miracle, she had found him, and saved him, and helped keep them safe until help had arrived. She had done that for him. Then, for the past few days she'd barely left his side. She'd harassed him, and teased him, and doted on him, and exasperated him, and he'd loved every minute of it.

Then Celiane had told him that she loved him. No, that she was in love with him. He hadn't believed her, couldn't imagine it was true, and yet, Giles could see now, that a part of him wanted it so desperately to be true. He wanted her to be in love with him. He wanted to be the man she chose, the man she cared for. So, he'd gone out to that garden, not even aware, until right now, that in the deepest part of his heart, he had been full of longing for a declaration of love from her. And instead he'd been told something painful and it had felt as if he'd been sucker punched.

As the revelation of his feelings for her swept through him, a picture of Buffy on her knees, crying, filled his mind's eye. He needed to get back to her. And suddenly, all Giles wanted to know was if she did love him. If she was in love with him. He had to know. Compared to that, nothing else mattered. Giles turned around and started walking back to the hospital.

***

Buffy couldn't stop crying. Willow was hugging her, and Xander was telling stupid jokes, trying to make her laugh, and Dawn was holding her hand, but she couldn't stop. The only thing she'd managed to convey through shakes of her head and a few halting words was that Giles had done nothing. She had done it. This was her fault. She'd lost him. She'd done something unforgivable and he hated her now.

Willow tried to get more information. "Buffy, try and calm down. What did you do?" She'd never seen her friend more upset.

All Buffy could get out was Spike's name.

Xander grimaced. "He found out about Spike and you?" Xander could imagine that freaking Giles out.

Dawn shook her head. "No, he already knew."

Willow looked at Dawn, surprised. "He already knew? How did he know?"

Dawn looked embarrassed. "I told him."

Xander's eyes widened. "You told Giles about Buffy and Spike?" He looked alarmed. "What else did you tell him?"

Dawn got a defiant look on her face. "I told him everything." She rushed into her defense. "He was the only one who would just let me talk." Her voice got sulky. "Everything just got so bad after he left."

Buffy started to cry harder. Willow glared at Dawn. "You're not helping."

Xander ran a hand down his face. "But he's back now. I mean, right? I mean, he's still staying, isn't he?" Xander didn't even want to think about Giles leaving again. Not now.

Giles answered him. "Yes, he's still staying."

Xander spun around. Then he took in the four men. "What's with the goons?"

Giles rolled his eyes. "Don't ask." He took in Xander, Willow, and Dawn with his gaze. "Could you leave us alone? Would you mind?"

Willow glanced at Buffy, worried. But then she glanced up at Giles and saw the loving look on his face and she nodded. She let go of Buffy and stood, pulling Dawn up with her. Willow glanced up at the window where she thought she could still see all the Watchers crowded against it. She exchanged a look with Xander and Dawn, and then they ran for the door, wanting to get upstairs before anything happened.

Giles sat down next to Buffy and he pulled her into his arms. Buffy just buried her head against his chest and sobbed. Giles gently stroked her hair, speaking softly to her, not saying anything in particular, just wanting to calm her.

***

Willow, Xander, and Dawn skidded into the room. Xander pushed his way toward the window. "Did we miss anything?"

Celiane shook her head. "No, he's just holding her."

Xander let Dawn and Willow squeeze in front of him. "Good."

***

Finally Buffy started trying to talk. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Buffy, it's all right."

"It's not."

Giles kissed the top of her head. "It is. I've known you for a long time. I know how your mind works. You take the blame for everything. But you cannot take the blame for this."

Buffy's words were punctuated with hiccupy sobs. "I could have stopped it."

"Buffy, you know better than most the danger of playing what if. It can drive you insane. The truth of the matter is that Spike knew and he chose not to tell you. He chose to play games. He chose to use your weakness against you. You never would have done anything intentional to hurt me or to hurt all those Watchers. I know that."

"But…"

Giles squeezed her more tightly. "No, don't. If you persist then I'll have to tell you how it's also my fault."

Buffy pulled away for a moment to look at his face. "How is it your fault?"

"I left you. I hurt you badly and made you angry. It was because of what I'd done that you told Spike the things you did."

"That doesn't make it your fault."

"No, it doesn't. And it doesn't make it your fault either. It was just…" Giles wasn't sure how to finish that sentence without minimizing the depth of the loss of all those men and women.

"It was just what?"

Giles thought for a minute. "It was Angelus, and the Mayor. It was Glory, and Adam. It was evil. It was an evil that spawned suffering and death. It's what we fight against, what we've fought against for years. And this time, just like every time, we fought back. And while the toll was horrific, the evil didn't win. The Council remains. And, while we are a small group now, I hope that we will be even more true to its purpose, and because of it the fight against evil will continue, perhaps more strongly than before."

Buffy's hands, which had been fisted against Giles' chest, began to unclench and she snuck her arms around him. She laid her head back down. "So you don't hate me?"

He held her even more tightly. "No, Buffy, I don't hate you. I even understand why you didn't kill Spike. I don't like it, but I understand."

"I punched him really, really hard."

Giles let out a short laugh. "Did you?"

She nodded. "And I told him that if you were dead, no matter where he was, that I'd hunt him down and kill him."

"And you don't…you don't still have…" Giles couldn't seem to get the rest of that question out.

She pulled back again. "I don't what?"

"You and…and Spike."

Buffy gave him a horrified look. "No, no." She shook her head. "Not at all. God, no." She shivered. "I can't even…I don't even like to think about it."

Giles let out his breath, but then found himself holding another. "And do you…do you have feelings like that for anyone else?"

Buffy was a little lost. "Feelings like what?"

Giles pushed past his nervousness. "Romantic feelings. Are you in love with anyone?"

Buffy stared at him for the longest time. She reached up her hand again to touch his face and this time he didn't move away. Buffy slowly traced the lines on his forehead, and the crinkles around his eyes. She ran her finger down his nose and touched the cleft in his chin. Trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach she softly ran her finger over his lips, and then she nodded. "Yes."

"Who, Buffy? Who are you in love with?"

"You."

Giles closed his eyes and smiled.

***

Willow squealed. "Oh my God, I think he's going to kiss her."

Celiane flashed her a grin. "I think you're right."

Maddy swallowed her disappointment, conceding defeat. She gave Daniel a considering look as he gazed out the window.

Xander found himself mentally spurring Giles on.

Dawn couldn't stop grinning. This meant Giles was here to stay.

***

Giles felt Buffy's finger on his lips again, tracing his smile. He opened his eyes. She was gazing at him. "Is that a good smile?"

Giles nodded. "Yes."

"So you love me too?"

"So very much."

"So you wouldn't mind kissing me?"

"I would consider myself quite remiss if I didn't."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Giles, shut up and kiss me."

Giles obliged her. Moving forward he pressed his lips against hers. Running his hand through her hair he cradled the back of her head, turning his own so he could capture her lips more fully. He felt her tongue run along the part of his lips. With his other hand at her back he held her tightly against him and he opened his lips and met her tongue with his own. His lips slanted over hers. Through the haze of his desire, Giles thought he heard several people cheer. He pulled his head back, smiling a little when she let out a moan of disappointment. "Do you get the feeling that we're not alone?"

She gave him a lopsided smile. "Gee, what gave it away? The four guys in the corner?"

Giles' eyes widened. "Good Lord, I forgot all about them." He glanced up, trying to locate the window to his room. "No, I thought I heard people cheering. I'm afraid that we have quite an audience." He pointed up to his room and Buffy watched as more hands than she could count waved at them.

"God." Buffy blushed and rested her forehead against his chest. "We're never going to be alone."

Giles cupped her cheek, pushing her head back so he could see her. He placed a quick kiss on her lips. "Trust me. Nothing will keep me from getting you alone."

Buffy gave him one of her brilliant smiles. "Yeah?"

Giles nodded. "In fact, let's go home."

Buffy's smile turned into a frown. "Are you still going to buy a house?"

He nodded again. "Yes. One that's big enough for the woman I love and her teenage sister. And perhaps the Director of my Research Division."

She smiled at him again. "That's all right then." Then she frowned again. "But I get to help you, right? I mean, you don't need Maddy to help you, right?"

Giles looked at her, his brow furrowed. "Why would I have Maddy help us find a home?"

Buffy shook her head. "Never mind." She grinned in delight at his confusion. She stood and pulled him up. "So, come on, Mr. Important Head of the Council Guy. Let's get everyone home." Buffy watched the guards fall into place behind them and she rolled her eyes. "Now, explain to me why you get bodyguards, and I don't."

"Because I'm Mr. Important Head of the Council Guy. You said it yourself." He kissed her. "I get them, you get me."

Buffy grinned. "I think I'm getting the best part of that deal." She threw her arms around him and held him very tightly. "I love you so much."

Giles closed his eyes again at her words. He couldn't believe what they did to him. "I don't believe I'll ever get tired of hearing you say that."

"Good, because I kind of like saying it."

Giles cupped her face with his hands. "Have I thanked you for saving my life?" He meant that in so many ways. His eyes were filled with love as he looked at her.

Buffy put her hands over his, her eyes bright, her love for him shining through a sheen of tears. "Have I thanked you for giving mine back to me?"

Giles let out a groan. "I cannot get you alone soon enough."

Buffy laughed. "That makes two of us." She tugged on his hand. "Let's go home."

Giles laced his fingers through hers and hand in hand they headed inside.

The End

May 16, 2002