Watchers Retreat: Part 10

Xander listened to all the Watchers talk. Daniel had asked for another vote and it had again been unanimous. Xander almost had to laugh at them. They were like excited kids, with this big shiny adventure in front of them. He wondered how they'd feel after they'd seen their first vampire.

But then Xander realized that they'd probably do just fine. They had faced worse on that mountain and survived. And they had Giles leading them. And despite how easy it had been to tease Giles over the years, Xander knew that the only reason they'd survived high school with their sanity intact was because of him.

He was like the center. He was like the tree or the front step that got made the safe zone in a game of hide and go seek. If you made it home, you were safe. Giles was like that. Even with all his quirky bits, and stuffy British side, and his super brain, and his glares, Giles was still the safe zone. And these Watchers knew it. They'd figured it out in two days. It had taken Xander five years of being with Giles, and one year of being without him to figure it out. Everything had gone bad the minute he'd left. And now that he was back, Xander was ready for things to start getting better.

He glanced at Willow. She was talking to Daniel about ideas for the Research Division. She almost looked the way she used to, before the magic, before the badness. Her face was lit up, and she couldn't stop smiling. It made Xander grin as he watched her, even while it made his chest feel tight. Giles had made her better already. And Giles had made Buffy glad to be alive. Xander blinked against the sting of tears that thought caused.

Xander moved to the window. He looked down at the garden courtyard below. His brow furrowed. "Hey. Isn't that Buffy?" He glanced around the room. He hadn't even seen her leave but she clearly wasn't there anymore. He looked down again. She moved and he saw her face. She looked so…lonely. Xander was about to move away from the window to go down and join her when he saw Giles enter the garden. Xander smiled and stayed put.

He glanced up when he heard someone join him. It was Celiane. She smiled. "Ah, he has found her."

"Is she okay?"

"Let us watch and we shall see together."

Xander looked up as Maria and Wendell joined them. Wendell glanced outside. "What are we looking at?"

Xander pointed. "Buffy and Giles."

Maddy frowned and moved to the window. "Where are they?"

Celiane gestured. "In the Garden of Eden."

More Watchers came over to see what was going on. Soon Xander found himself surrounded. He muttered to himself. "Good thing this is a big window."

Celiane laughed. "I am afraid that you must make room in your life for 46 Watchers who will be clutching very tightly to your Giles."

Xander looked at them all, saw their faces as they pressed against the window, or strained to catch a peek of the man they all felt was so essential to their survival. He looked down at Giles as he approached Buffy. "Yeah, well I guess I can live with it, as long as you don't get between those two."

Celiane nodded. "Very wise advice, Xander. Very wise advice."

***

Giles slowly walked across the garden until he was standing next to Buffy. They both watched the small fountain. "I thought you might be here."

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the four men spread out and stand in each corner of the courtyard. "Who are those guys?"

Giles followed her eyes and his brows rose when he saw them. "I have no idea." He approached one of them and Buffy followed. "Excuse me, but who are you?"

"Bodyguards, sir."

Giles smiled. "Ah, I see Daniel's already at work. You're here to keep an eye on Buffy?"

He shook his head. "You, sir."

Giles' eyes widened and he touched his chest with the flat of his hand. "Me? What on earth for?"

"You're Council Head, sir."

"Did Daniel set this up?"

The man shook his head. "The Head has always had four bodyguards."

Buffy scowled. "Didn't do him much good, did it? He's dead." As she heard her words she winced at her tactlessness.

The bodyguard looked at Buffy. "His guards died on that mountain, too."

Buffy winced again. "Sorry."

He continued looking at her. "That's our job."

Giles let out an exasperated noise. "Well, please go do your job somewhere else. I'm with Buffy right now and in perfectly good hands so you can go away."

He shook his head. "Sorry, sir."

"I don't get to order you away?

The man shook his head again. "No, sir."

Giles looked at him in disbelief. "I'm the Head, but you don't have to do what I say?"

"That's right, sir."

Buffy bit her lips to keep from smiling at the disgruntled look on Giles' face. Giles glared at her. "I suppose you find this very amusing?"

She nodded. "Yes, sir."

Giles rolled his eyes. "Oh, please." Then he took Buffy's elbow and directed her back to the fountain, as far away from the four men as possible. Giles muttered. "Fine, they want to be my bodyguards, they can be my bodyguards. I might just have to start patrolling with you every night to give them something to do."

Buffy smiled tightly at him, her amusement fading. Patrolling made her think of Spike. She sighed and looked away.

Giles watched the sad look come over her face again. "Buffy, what's wrong?"

She shook her head.

He tried again. "Was I wrong to make this decision?"

She shook her head again. It had been the right decision. They needed him. "No, they need you."

Giles had no idea what to say. He turned his head to look at her. Her face was so dear to him. Giles reached out a hand and with the back of his fingers he brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. "Buffy, talk to me."

She glanced up at him, her eyes shadowed. "What do you want me to say?"

Giles sighed. He had no idea. "Things will work out, I promise."

Her voice was soft. "I'll never see you."

"You will. I'll see you every day. We'll continue to train. We can put a state of the art training room at the Council. I can give you pointers as you pummel my Watchers."

She smiled at bit at that. "My life long dream. Beating up Watchers."

"Yes, well, you've certainly beaten up this one long enough." Giles watched as tears sprang to Buffy's eyes at his comment. "Buffy, I didn't mean that in any way to make you sad."

Buffy shook her head. "I'm not sad." It was an absurd comment to make.

Giles gently touched her eyelashes and took away a tear. "Somehow I don't believe you." He looked down at her and thought of Celiane's words. Giles tried to put a label on his feelings for Buffy but found himself incapable of even beginning to define their relationship. He smiled softly. "From the moment I met you, you turned my life upside down."

She glanced quickly up at him. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"I believe it is a good thing."

Buffy let out a sigh. "So many bad things have happened to you because of me."

"No, Buffy, you mustn't say that."

"I could have stopped this."

"What do you mean?"

"I could have known about this retreat, about the Watchers dying, a week ago. They're all dead because of me."

Giles furrowed his brow. "I don't understand what you're talking about."

"Spike knew."

Giles' eyes grew dark. "Spike knew what was going to happen?"

Buffy nodded, her eyes miserable. Her voice was so soft he almost didn't hear her. "I'm so sorry."

"Spike knew that we were being sent here to die by that demon? That I was being sent here to die?" Buffy nodded again. Giles continued. "Almost 300 Watchers are dead, and he knew?" His voice was low and dangerous.

Buffy nodded again. She took a step away, the look on Giles' face almost frightening her.

Giles turned and kicked at one of the patio chairs and sent it flying. "Bloody hell." When he saw one of the men in the corner move in his direction he put his hand up to stop him. He turned back to Buffy, his voice now lethal. "I'm going to kill him."

"I know."

Something in Buffy's voice, or the stance of her body, alerted him. Anger surged through him. "He won't be there, will he?"

When she heard the anger in his voice her heart started to hurt. She shook her head. "No."

"Did you tell him to leave?"

"Yes, but…"

Giles interrupted, speaking to her in a voice she hadn't heard since he'd found out she'd been hiding Angel. "If Spike didn't tell you, how did you find out?"

"Willy."

Giles nodded. "So, you found out that we were being killed, that I was in danger, and yet you took the time to go to Spike, and warn him to leave town?"

"It wasn't…"

"Yes or no? Knowing the harm he'd done me, you still went to him?"

"I didn't go to him to warn him. I went to get information, I went to yell at him."

"And yet, you still warned him." He looked away from her. "This is the second time you've stolen my revenge from me, Buffy." He took a few more steps away from her. "Why? The same reason? Because Spike was your lover? Because you still have feelings for him?"

Buffy lifted her eyes to look at him, tears brimming over. "That's not why I kept you from killing Angel. I was afraid he'd kill you. I needed you, I couldn't just let you die."

"But you can't use the same excuse for Spike. You had already made it perfectly clear you didn't want anything to do with me. In fact, you used Spike to pass that message along to me. And Spike couldn't hurt me if I went after him." When she didn't answer he tightened his lips and turned his back on her.

Buffy moved behind him and put out a shaky hand to touch his back.

Giles flinched away from her touch. "Please tell me why this shouldn't feel like a betrayal."

"Giles, I'm sorry. I didn't do it for him."

"Then explain it to me, Buffy. Explain to me why you chose to protect someone, once again, who has done me and mine some egregious harm."

The words burst out. "Because it was my fault. Because he tried to tell me and I didn't listen. I blew him off."

Giles spun to face her. "What?"

Buffy found herself taking a couple of steps backwards, away from him, away from the look on his face.

Giles' hand shot out and he grabbed her arm. "What do you mean he tried to tell you?"

"He came to me and asked me if I still hated you. If I cared if I ever saw you again."

Giles forced a breath out and let go of her arm. "What did you tell him?"

"I told him that I did still hate you, that I didn't care if I ever saw you again. That I didn't care if the Council vanished off the face of the earth. So, he didn't tell me." She lifted tormented eyes to his. "It's my fault. If I hadn't been so angry, and proud, and determined to keep acting like a stupid little girl he would have told me."

Giles shook his head. "He should have told you anyway. This doesn't make it any less his fault."

Buffy brushed some tears away. "It just makes it mine, too." She let out a bitter laugh. "How could I stake Spike when I was equally to blame? You should keep the Council in England, you should take them all and keep them away from me before I get them all killed."

Giles let out a long breath. "Those particular Watchers are alive because of you."

"No they're not. They're alive because of you. And all those dead Watchers, my fault." Her voice had grown painfully soft.

Giles saw the pain on her face, but he was in such pain himself he wasn't sure he had it in him to console her. He felt so conflicted. "Do you hate me, Buffy? Do you wish I would leave? Would you rather I went back to England?"

She turned frantic eyes to him. "No. No. I never hated you. I was just hurt, and I missed you so much. And I didn't know how to fix it so I just pretended that I didn't care. I felt so dead most of the time, just going through the motions of pretending to be alive, wishing I was still dead. It wasn't until I saw you on that mountain that I…"

"That you what?"

"…That I felt glad to be alive." She looked up at him. "For the first time since they brought me back I was glad to be alive, because you were alive." She reached out a hand to touch his face and he took a step back, leaving her hand in mid-air. Buffy slowly dropped it to her side. She felt a crippling sense of loss. Her face crumpled and she started to cry, falling to her knees, her hands over her face.

A part of Giles wanted to take her in his arms and tell her it was all right, tell her that all was forgiven, but he couldn't yet. He'd be lying, and something inside of him knew that their relationship would never be right again if he was so untrue to himself. He couldn't just ignore the pain he was feeling, the sense of betrayal, the anger at how easily this might all have been avoided. Suddenly he had to get away. "I need some time to think. I'll be back later, and we'll talk then." With one last look at her he turned and left the garden, his four guards right behind him.

End Part 10