Xander: I hate they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it discriminates agains the uninformed.
Cordelia: Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. [off their looks] What? I can't have layers?

Snyder: It's band candy.
Buffy: Let's hear it for the band, huh? Very generous.
Snyder: You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms.
Xander: Yeah, those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?
Oz: But they go with everything.
Buffy: I'm sure we love the idea of going all 'Willy Loman', but we're not in the band.
Snyder: And if I'd handed you a trombone, that would have been a problem, Summers. It's candy. Sell it.

Joyce: Honey, don't you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time?
Buffy: And does he ever say he's sorry?
[cut to]
Buffy: Ow!
Giles: Sorry.
Buffy: Why do I put up with this?
Giles: Because it is your destiny. And because I just bought twenty cocorific candy bars.

Angel: It's late. How did you get away?
Buffy: Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
Angel: Oh.

Xander: I like chocolate. There is no bad here.
Willow: You still have some? I went to, like, four houses, and they were gone. It's like trick-or-treating in reverse.
Xander: I know, these things are sellin' like hotcakes. Which is ironic because the hotcakes really aren't moving.

Ms. Barton: Hey! We're all suck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and pretend we're reading something. Until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!
Xander: Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton?
Cordelia: Get in line.

Joyce: We've got more work to do here, honey. Why don't you give us a little more time? Um, take the car, and Mr. Giles can drive me home.
Buffy: What? Excuse me, I meant what?
Joyce: The keys. Take them.
Buffy: You don't have to tell me twice... actually, you did, but... bye.
[Buffy exits]
Joyce: You think she noticed anything?
Giles: [lighting a cigarette] No way.

Joyce: You've got good albums.
Giles: Yeah, they're okay.
Joyce: You like Seals & Croft?
[Giles just stares]
Joyce: Heh, me neither.... So, um, how come they call you Ripper?
Giles: Wouldn't you like to know?

Giles: Man. I gotta get a band together.

Buffy: Ms. Barton?
Ms. Barton: Buffy, woah.
Willow: You okay, Ms. Barton?
Ms. Barton: Oh, I'm cool, Willow. Willow. That's a tree. Heh, you're a tree! Are there any nachos in here, little tree?
Buffy: Are you sure you don't need some fresh air, Ms. Barton?
Ms. Barton: Okay... [wanders off, giggling]

Snyder: Hey, gang! This place is Fun City, huh?
Buffy: Principal Snyder?
Snyder: Call me 'Snyder'. Just a last name, like 'Barbarino'. Whoo, I am so stoked! Hey, did you see Miss Barton? I think she's wasted.

Snyder: Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight!

Mr. Trick: Demand's high.
Ethan: I thought it might be.
Mr. Trick: That's the reason I love this country. You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course a lot of them are gonna die, but... that's the other reason I love this country. Hey! Don't sample the product.
Employee: I didn't...
[Trick breaks his neck]
Ethan: Okay, um, how did you know he was—
Mr. Trick: I didn't. But now I know no one else will.

Oz: They're teenagers. That's sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Snyder: You've got great hair.

Snyder: I said wait up!
Oz: Um, Snyder...
Buffy: No time. He's coming with us.
[Buffy peels out of the parking lot]
Snyder: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!

Willow: It'll be okay when we get to Giles.
Oz: Of course. I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy.
Willow: Yeah, well...
Oz: What?
Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less 'together' guy, more 'bad magic, hates the world, ticking time bomb' guy.
Oz: Well, then I guess your mom's in a lot of trouble.

Giles: Ooh, copper's got a gun. You'll never use it though, mate.
Officer: Will so.
Joyce: Ripper, be careful!
[Giles decks the cop, takes the gun]
Giles: Told him he'd never use it.
Joyce: You are so cool. You're like Burt Reynolds.

Buffy: Something's weird.
Oz: Something's not?

Buffy: You guys get Xander and Cordelia. Go the library, and look it up.
Oz: Candy, curses...
Willow: Disturbing second childhood. Got it.

Buffy: Mom? Giles?!
Giles: Go away. We're busy.
Buffy: Mom! Where did you get that coat? Nevermind, listen—
Giles: Back off.
Buffy: Giles, think about this. You want to fight me, or do you want to let me talk to my mother? Mom, look at me. Do you know who I am?
Joyce: Of course. You're Buffy. Hey, look, they're giving away candy. You want some candy?
Buffy: No, I don't. And you don't need any more either.
Joyce: I'm fine. I can have more if I want.
Buffy: You are not fine. You need to go home.
Joyce: Screw you. I want candy.
Buffy: Mom—
Joyce: You wanna slay stuff, and I'm not allowed to do anything about it. Well, this is what I wanna do, so get off my back.
Buffy: Mom, please, this—
Giles: Oh, for God's sake, let your mum have her sodding candy. Come on, Joyce.
Buffy: Mom, look at your car! Look at that dent the size of New Brunswick. I did that.
Joyce: Oh, my God. What was I thinking when I bought the Geek Machine?!
Buffy: Listen to me.
Giles: No, you listen to me. I'm your Watcher, so you do what I tell you. Now sod off!

Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff. But I've had a ton, and I don't feel any diff... nevermind.

Buffy: So, Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a 'talk or bleed' situation. Your call.
Giles: Hit him.
Ethan: I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea.
Buffy: Meaning?
Ethan: I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute. For a demon.
Giles: He's lying. Go on, hit him.
Buffy: I don't think he is, and shut up.
Giles: You're my slayer. Now go knock his teeth down his throat—
Buffy: Giles! [to Ethan] What demon?
Ethan: I don't remember.
[Buffy punches him]
Giles: Yes!

Snyder: She whupped you good, huh? Pow, kapow! I can do that. I took Tae Kwon Do at the 'Y'.

Joyce: What about that man?
Buffy: See if you guys can find something to tie him up with.
[Joyce sheepishly produces a pair of handcuffs]
Buffy: Never tell me.

Joyce: Something's gonna eat those babies?
Snyder: I think that is so wrong.

Giles: She says she never saw who took 'em. Dozy cow.
Buffy: I know who took them.
Giles: Well, let's do something. Let's find the demon and... and kick the crap out of it.

Xander: Hey, Snyder! Heard you had some fun Friday night. Have you come down yet?
Snyder: That's Principal Snyder.
Xander: And that's a big yep.
Snyder: You look like four young people with too much time on your hands.
Oz: Not really.
Cordy: Busy like a bee, actually. Bee-like.
Snyder: Good. It seems we had some vandalism Friday on school property, and I was just looking for some volunteers to help clean it up.
Willow: "Kiss Rocks"? Why would anyone wanna kiss... oh, wait. I get it.

Giles: I say, your car seems to have had an adventure, doesn't it?
Joyce: Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil, so I'm letting her pay for it on the installment plan.
Buffy: Hey, the way things were going, be glad that's the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually did something.
Joyce: ...right.
Giles: ...indeed.
Joyce: ...yes.
[hasty exits all around]

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