The Harsh Light of Day

Willow: Back off, Harmony!
Harmony: Okay, fine. Hide behind your boyfriend. But guess what - I have a boyfriend too. And he's gonna be mad that you were mean to me.

Buffy: Guy dating Harmony, dead. Must be, like, the most tolerant guy in the world.

Harmony: How's my little Blondie Bear?
Spike: Harm, does this look like a good time to talk?
Harmony: Are you gonna kill Willow today? 'Cause I want you to say "This is for messing with my sweet girl." And then, you know... grr (bites his shoulder).

Harmony: I wanna go to a party!
[Spike pins her against the wall]
Harmony: Ooh. Right here, baby? In front of Brian?
Spike: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Harmony: Maybe I would. After a party.
Spike: Tonight. I'll take you somewhere nice.

Spike: I like him. He's got... what's the word... vulnerability.
Buffy: And you with Harmony. What, 'd'ja lose a bet?
Harmony: Hey!
Spike: Actually, how we met? It's a funny story, really... [bolts for the door]

Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Can I make him a vampire?
Spike: No. Wait. On second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.
Harmony: Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool! Can we eat a doctor so I can get a stethoscope and hear my heart not beating?
Spike: Harm, what does it take to get you to SHUT THE HELL UP?!
Harmony: [giggles] And if my heart's not beating [trailing her fingers over her chest], then what are all these veins for? I'm simply covered in these blue veins... see?
Spike: [starts to kiss her] I've got an extra set of chains.
Harmony: Ew! Just because Dorkus went in for that stuff—
Spike: Drusilla.
Harmony: Whatever.
Spike: Say her name.
Harmony: Dorkus.
Spike: Bite your tongue.
Harmony: Do it for me.
[sexy romp ensues]

Spike: Harm, what are you doing?
Harmony: I'm writing 'Spike Loves Harmony' on your back.
Spike: Why?
Harmony: I dunno. It's fun, I'm bored. You can write on me...
Spike: Gotta get back to work.
Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me.
Spike: I love syphillis more than you.

Spike: No one leaves the lair until we're in - I don't want the Slayer tracking anyone to the tunnel. That means you, Harm. You're an indoor kitty now.
Harmony: But Spike, you said you'd take me places. You said we'd go to France, and now I can't even leave the lair?
[much groaning from the entire crew]
Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass. Now when I have the gem, they all die. Don't worry. But until then, stay inside. And by the way, I would be insanely happy if from this point on, I heard bugger-all about sodding France!
Harmony: I don't know why I let you be so mean to me.
Spike: Love hurts, baby.

[Spike gets burned by a cross, thinking he's wearing the Gem]
Harmony: You should put some butter on that. But hey, maybe it's worth money anyway. That would be something. Then we could go to France, and I always wanted to go to France and stay in a chateau and you could take me shopping and—
[Spike stakes her - but the wound closes instantly]
Harmony: I can't believe you just did that!
Spike: Hold on.
Harmony: What are you doing, you big freak?!
Spike: That's my gem.
Harmony: Fine! If that's all that matters to you, then just take it. Take it! Take it and get out!
Spike: That's a good idea. Think I'll go play outside.

Giles: Harmony, where's Spike? Does he have the gem?
Harmony: He staked me and then he took it. He tried to take it right off my fingers, like I wouldn't have just given it to him. I would have given him anything he wanted. He was my platinum baby, and I loved him.

The Initiative

Harmony: Spike? Spike, is that really you?
Spike: It's me, baby. Your man is—
[she slaps him across the face]
Spike: —back.
Harmony: Bastard! You dumped me and staked me and hurt me and left me and—
Spike: I know, sugar, but you're forgetting one other thing I did: I missed you.
Harmony: Really? [he opens his arms wide, and she flings herself into them] Just don't ever do that to me again.
Spike: Never, my little... foam latte. Your blondie bear is here to stay.
Harmony: Well where have you been? No, wait, don't tell me. I'm just glad you're back. And this time it's for good, right?
Spike: Oh, forever and ever, mon petit creme brulee.
Harmony: Ooh, Italian!
Spike: Uh, yeah. And get used to it. Big Daddy's home. We're gonna go wherever you want, do whatever you want, kill whoever you want. Starting with the Slayer. [Harmony looks doubtful] And after that it's all you and me, my little... mentholated... pack of smokes.
Harmony: Spikey, let's leave the Slayer alone. She'll only slap you around... and I can do that.

Xander: Harmony, it's been great catching up. Really, I'm just gonna pick up the tattered shreds of my dignity and go home, leaving you with your... fire.
Harmony: My fire? Yeah, right. Like I listen to the sex pistols. Ew. This crap belongs to Spike.
Xander: Spike?
Harmony: Can you believe him? He comes back with all these big promises - not that I believed him, you know. He could have spent one night, but no, everything was "Slayer this" and "Slayer that". I mean, he probably already killed her. I'm not taking him back, I just... I just want to know why it is that men always... (she looks up, but Xander isn't there anymore) leave...

Real Me

Spike: [surprised/impressed] Well. Hello, Harm.
Harmony: Spikey. I mean, Spike.
Spike: Long time. You look good.
Harmony: I feel good.
Spike: I remember.

Spike: Gang?
Harmony: Oh, yeah, I've got my own gang now.
Spike: Is that what those circus freaks are?
Harmony: Uh-huh. I mean... shut up! We're gonna kill the Slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one - or at least get your own tune.
Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework. Reading books and stuff.
Spike: What, Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's... well, let's face it. It's adorable.
Harmony: You just can't stand the fact that I'm my own person now. There comes a time in every woman's life when she realizes she needs to take the next step. I've taken it. I've found the real me, and I like her.
Spike: Hope you'll be very happy together. In the meantime, leave the Slayer-slaying for the professionals.
Harmony: You'll see. Buffy'll be dead by sunrise. I've got a plan.
Spike: Let me guess. Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap? That sort of thing?
Harmony: [bluffing] No! A much, much better one. [off his look] I'm not gonna tell you!
Spike: Thought as much. Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.
Harmony: [as he exits] I'll do that. And after Buffy's gone? I'm gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me, Spike!
[turns back to her minions]
Harmony: Guys! New plan.

Out Of My Mind

Harmony: Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now. With a stake! She won't give up until she's killed me to death!
Spike: Buffy's looking for you.
Harmony: Of course, that's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis!
Spike: Is that right? I must have missed the memo.
Harmony: There was a mem—? Spike, omigod! This is like a real emergency! Ugh! I need a hideout so bad. You're my only hope. We're just gonna have to rise above our... petty differences. Listen, Spike, I'm desperate.
Spike: (intrigued) Desperate, are you?
Harmony: Come on, Spike. Pretty please? I'll do anything.
Spike: Anything, will you?
Harmony: Yeah, I said I'll do anything.
[Spike waggles his eyebrows at her]
Harmony: Oh. You mean will I have sex with you? Well, yeah.

Spike: Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
Harmony: No! Only three!
Spike: Harmony... is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes, oh my god! Someone's blondie bear is a twenty-question genius!

Harmony: I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real sex organ is his brain. Yuck! No contest. I mean, look at it. It's so pink and wriggly-looking. Can I touch it?
Spike/Doctor: No!
Harmony: Oh my god, you're awake?!
Doctor: Local anesthetic.
Harmony: Wow, Spikey, how does it feel?
Spike: Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint.

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there! That nasty little face, that... bouncing, shampoo-commercial hair, that whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude...
Harmony: Well, aren't we kinda unholy, by def—
Spike: She follows me, you know, tracks me down. I'm her pet project. 'Drive Spike round the bend.' Makes every day a fresh bout of torture.
[He yanks a tombstone out of the ground and smashes it to pieces]
Harmony: Spike!
Spike: You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony!

Family

Spike: You want me, Slayer, come and get me.
Buffy: Oh, I'm coming. I'm coming right—
[cut to]
Harmony: —now!
[Spike & Harmony collapse for some heavy, post-coital non-breathing]
Harmony: What are you thinking?
Spike: All about you, baby.

Crush

Harmony: Don't you wanna come in and tire me out?
Spike: Harm, really not in the mood right now.
Harmony: You're never in the mood! We could do something different tonight...
Spike: Like what, you stop yammering for two seconds?
Harmony: Well, we could... I don't know. Maybe play a game?
[Cut to Harmony, pretending to prowl around the crypt in Buffy's sweater]
Harmony: Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up... and I'm going to stake you so much with my... slaying powers that I have because I'm the Chosen—
[Spike tackles her to the floor and off-screen we hear...]
Harmony: Oh, Spike!

Harmony: What the heck is this?
Spike: Oh, bloody hell.
Harmony: Who is—? Oh, wait, I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning. Now you've gone and picked up some cheap Queen of the Damned to dress up like your precious Drood-zilla.
Spike: Harm—
Harmony: You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, 'cause my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl. Or Charlize Theron.
Spike: Harm, you moron, this *is* Drusilla.
Harmony: Oh. Well. You've got some nerve showing up here like this after all this time. After breaking my sweet boo-boo's heart....
[Dru peers around Harmony and mouths, mockingly 'Boo-Boo?']
Harmony: Do you have any idea how hard it's been to break down the walls he put up after you left? I mean, *serious* trust issues.
Spike: Harm...
Harmony: So it's no use you crawling back to him 'cause Spikey don't play that game anymore, Morticia.
[Dru encourages Harmony to talk to the hand]
Spike: It's been fun while it lasted, Harm, but I think it'd be best now if you hit the road.
[He tosses Harmony across the room where she slams into the wall and slumps to the floor]
Harmony: Why? Because she's back?
Spike: No. Because I am.

Spike: You know, what I should just do is get rid of both of you. Burn you. Cut you into little pieces so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi—
[He falls over with an arrow sticking out of his back. Harmony is behind him with a crossbow.]
Spike: Oh, great.
Harmony: What about me, Spike? You forget about me again? The *actual* girlfriend? I gave you the best ... bunch of months of my life!
[She wangs him in the head with her crossbow]
Dru: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson.
Spike: Oh, so now you're all ganging up.
Harmony: I thought I could change you, Spike. I thought maybe if I gave and I gave and gave, maybe you'd come around. Maybe be a little nicer. Stop treating me like your dog. But now I see it's you. You're the dog who needs to be put dow—
[Spike charges Harmony and the melee begins]

Harmony: Oh Spikey... and you can say good-bye to *this* (points to her butt) because you're not gonna see it any more ever. (Um...) Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you.
[Turns to leave but reconsiders]
Harmony: But even then... I'll probably just, you know ... back away.
[Harmony backs her way out of Spike's crypt and out of his unlife]

Angel: Season 5

A cloud of black of dust swirls in front of Angel's desk and starts to glow. Gradually the swirling begins to solidify into a skeleton, then into a howling Spike...
Spike: Aaagh!
Wesley: [disbelieving] Spike?
Angel: [menacing] Spike?
Harmony: [perky as ever] Blondie Bear?

Spike: What? What's happened to me?
Harmony: Well, I'm no doctor, but I think you're a ghost.
Spike: I'm no—I'm no bloody ghost.
Harmony: Hey, you're the one sticking out of a desk, pal. And you can't talk to me like that. We're not going out anymore.

Spike: [re: Buffy] You can't keep her from me.
Angel: She's not mine to keep. Or yours.
Spike: Says you. You've got no idea what we had.
Angel: You never had her.
Spike: More than you, you poncy—
Harmony: Oh. My. God! You and the slayer actually... I mean, I know you had that twisted obsession with her, but...yecch. That's just... yecch. I... (she walks away, still shuddering) yecch!

Harmony: Listen, I know I was a little crabby before. I mean, hello? A little awkward seeing you at my work. But if you want to talk or something, you know, about us or...
[Spike walks away, ignoring her]
Harmony: Okay, too soon. I understand... [mutters] Slayer-loving freak.

Harmony: Fine. Don't talk to me.
Spike: What?
Harmony: The whole time we were a thing, you treated me like day-old rat blood. Why should now be any diff, just 'cause you've gone all Patrick Swayze?
Spike: What are you on about?
Harmony: Well, gee, nothing much. Just since you're all soulful now, I thought maybe, just maybe, you might've learned to open up a little. You know, talk? But I guess the leopard can't change his stripes.
Spike: Spots, you dink. Leopards have spots.
Harmony: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Brainy! Thank you so much for sharing. Wow, what a breakthrough.

Angel: Yeah, well, sharing's not something Spike does very well.
Harmony: Preaching to the horse's mouth.

Spike: Yeah, right. Boo-hoo. Thought he killed his bloody father. Try staking your mother when she's coming on to you!
Harmony: Well... that explains a lot.

Spike: Harm.
[He grabs Harmony and kisses her]
Harmony: Get off. Ew!
Spike: That's the idea. [to Angel] I need to borrow your Gal Friday for a bit.
Angel: Permission denied.
Spike: I wasn't asking.
[grabs Harmony by the wrist and starts to walk away)
Harmony: My God! Oh my God! What? You think just 'cause you're all... solid now, that I'm gonna go—
Spike: [putting on a 'sincere face'] That's a very pretty skirt you're wearing.
[Harmony tries to stay strong, but she caves]
Harmony: Taking a long lunch, boss.

[Spike and Harmony are having sex on someone's desk when...]
Harmony: Spike!
Spike: Shh. Shh, don't talk. Let's not spoil the moment.
[bleeding from her eyes, Harmony's features shift and she bites Spike in the neck, hard]
Spike: Agh! Harmony! What the bloody hell has gotten into—? [then he notices...] Your eyes.
Harmony: I'm not! Not yours!
Spike: [agreeably backing away from the possessed ex-girlfriend] Yeah, right. Not mine.
Harmony: Using me. Making me think... feel...like yours.
Spike: Let's just—
Harmony: You! You don't want me! You want your slayer whore! I'll kill you!
[She charges him and he knocks her unconscious before taking a moment to ponder the WTF-ness of it all]

Harmony: What? I don't get a good-bye just because I went crazy and tried to rip your throat out while we were having sex?
Spike: Keep it simple, Harm. It suits you.

Harmony: What happened to Europe? Aren't you supposed to be slayer-chasing or something?
Spike: I was on my way. Had a boat ticket and all. Then I put a little thinking into it. A man can't go out in a bloody blaze of glory, savin' the world, and then show up 3 months later, tumbling off a cruise ship in the south of France. I mean, I'd love to, don't get me wrong, but it's hard to top an exit like that.
Harmony: Come on. Girls don't care about stuff like that. Just one look at you, and she'll forget herself, and she'll get all tingly, and it won't matter how horribly you treated her in the past and how you took her for granted and...
Spike: I never took her for gr... oh. I expect Buffy would be happy enough to see me. It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it... won't matter.
Harmony: Yeah... not mattering. I know that feeling well.
Spike: Oh, come on, Harm, you matter to someone.
Harmony: I do?
Spike: Yeah. Girl tried to frame you, didn't she? Must have mattered to her. Everybody's talking about it.
Harmony: You're right. That girl hated me. She wanted me dead. I matter!
[Spike lifts his glass to toast her mattering after all, and Harmony smiles.]

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